Thursday, July 29, 2010

When we all say that we’re okay...

Do we really mean it?. Maybe we do…but do we really felt that way, maybe we do?..or don’t.

I have noticed; after a few successful spontaneous projects (such as taking a sudden leave from work and made the event meaningful)that I am good at planning and scheming.
Now I have a lot of plans and projects in my mind, I do write it into paper or at least save the documents in my desktop, and honestly it makes me feel good! How can you not if you know what you’re going to do next and not heading into confusion and unwanted surprise J
But,… do I really live up to that plans?...maybe yes, maybe not.
So, for me at times I’m feeling okay and I told others I do…simply because I’m making plans and I thought I can always go back those list and simply execute on my next action…but is it easy?...maybe yes, maybe not.
So…we could be telling others what we thought we know…what we couldn’t tell others is what we really know because it will simply damage our reputation or simply brings everybody down….
Not many people like the naked truth…that’s why it doesn’t happen often.
But I guess at times like this, when we doubt our own answer towards others and we doubt our own decision, choices and ability…we may need to stop thinking for awhile, stop justifying and simply sooth our self that, we have seen this challenges before…what did we do about it, maybe we can’t remember…but what’s important is that. We are still here.
So live this moment folks!...nobody says its gonna be easy J ; Life is.
Just as much as a baby sees the world as frightening but full of surprises…we could took example of their spirit…we used to be like that…but in time we forget due to hectic daily activities, we forgotten to regard the world as simply a place to learn, to fall, to cry, to be scared, to laugh, to trust, to strive through.
And I look at my daughter…I can’t help but smile and slowly the realization starts to creeps into me that…with courage…anything is possible!
God Bless All!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

We all get nervous sometimes...

Nervous not only during crucial time, or during panic circumstances, not just only when we fell in love.
Not only when we are anticipating; some good ol’ thing.

To some extend, we could get nervous even when we are about to meet our epitome of grief.
A darkness feeling creeps over our soul and attacks our conscious, causing us to judge in imbalance and causing misconception, misunderstanding even distrust.

At other times these fear of grief and disappointment drag us to become so alone in our mind with all useless thoughts of vengeance and hatred.
Caused us to misjudged the situation and pull us deeper into a world of depression.
Sometimes makes us lazy, sometimes makes us Indifferent.

It even convinces us that we become a person that could never able to forgive and forget.
It makes us blame ourself, blame our parents, how we were brought up…other times makes us doubt at our own kindness and integrity.
Makes us even hate and hurt our ownself.

Due to mix feeling of guilty and confusion, it creates a new personality for us.
A nervous, tactless and helpless individual.
Sad and alone,
Abandoned and left out in this huge planet.

Not lost yet; full of hopes, unreachable, wishful.

with GOD’S help, I believe we could find our way out from this cave.
From the grip of this Relic of uncomfortable ness.

Maybe we can just linger in our determination.
Not feeling any guilt.
Silently wipe off the comments behind..
Persistent in our goals.

That will solve all our issue and curiosity.
Giving us a good night sleep.
A satisfying working day.
A laughing family.

What more could I ask for.
By clearing out these weeds from my minds, then I am able to focus on my attention to be what I should be.

And leaving a legacy of a person with integrity, passion and wisdom.

With GOD’S help, this I believe I can achieve.J.

Monday, July 26, 2010

the tombstone of legacy

just the other day i went back to my old town Sandakan, located by the east Coast of Sabah, Malaysia it was home for the wild animals such as primates like the Orang Utan, Proboscis monkeys and Hornbills bird.
mostly people live in Sandakan either work in tourism, fishing and oil palm and of course including other jobs.
Food in Sandakan are the BEST! at least for my personal opinion, if you're a big fan of chicken noodle with fried ground peanuts and thick gravy rice cube with meat then..yeah you're in the same band wagon as me.

i went away for three days for an exotic gateway to Sandakan...turns out to be a reminiscing moment that wear my husband away when each streets i stop over and brief him the history how i passed that alley every morning to work, how i grew up there, how my sandal broke at that bus station or the houses i used to i used to eat...pretty much exotically bore him away.

But what struck me most about this trip is about...Legacy.

it was really a striking coincidence when we went away to Sandakan, my in laws were going to held a gathering. In Malay we call it 'Kenduri' direct translation will be eating tomato chicken or chicken with dates, or some other chicken cooks with something, banana, watermelon, talking about the olden days, or about someone who just got married(or nowadays who just got divorced *o*) but most importantly is the group prayer.
Every time its near the Ramadhan the fasting season the elders will held the Kenduri to commemorates their parents or uncle,aunt or any family relatives who has passed away. Most of the time will be their own parents.
So while we're in Sandakan they called us and said they're coming to held the event at another family relative house.

and so my mom in law bought the whole market (so my father in law reported) and start cooking.

I don't cook...i don't have much to say about the other member of the family either so i'm not the best gossip partner :) and i went away finding excuses to escape and 'Kapow' the idea comes right in! i followed my husband to the cemetery of his grandmother.

My first thought is getting away from chopping shallots and ginger but when i have arrived at the cemetery my husband gave me advise before entering...we will be careful with our steps and try not to step over but at times there is not much ground to step on so we may need to walk over at some graves. At that moment my mindset change...this is not some playground.
illustration by internet

As i walking over i saw a lot of the graveyard being built inside a stack of cement or bricks and decorated by colorful tiles giving the impression of a monument. My husband told me that actually its not a very excellent idea as the cemetery were built on the hillside and adding heavy bricks and too much cement may only caused the soil to sink.

i read the tombstones along the way but those that i remember most is a boy who only live for 8 years and what touches me the most is a little crypt with pink tiles...the baby only live for three days.

soon we arrived to the family graveyard,they were built next to each other and my father in law start to scheme his plan to built a cement few inch higher all around the graves and clean all the dead leaves and sticks.
we offer our  prayers while pulling out grasses on top of the grave and remove other dirts to the side and i was already with my plans of how we could clean the debris without putting it over other people graves and all the while i came to realize...

my mom in law spent few hundreds for the cost..the energy and my father in law was making plans to improvise the family graves and with all the hundreds graves with bricks, cement and some has become to look like a feels odd.

honestly, they're ...underground, dead. They wouldn't be impressed just how ever their graves looks like. Most importantly the prayers that is being offer...not the material stuff or the fine dine.

After awhile i noticed that this probably has something to do with our (human) own fear of deaths. Its like when i die..i would want people to gather and remember me, i would want my cemetery being look after. If i don't do this and that to my elders, my kids won't do it for me also...even after i'm dead i still want to be respected...its almost like a legacy.

but through the actions of my parents in law and just as much as their relatives or anyone that lives the same community as them. They are showing some fear of death...everything has got to be rush in.

i mean don't we all?
when i died; remember me, while i live; i gotta finish such and such duties.

My husband beginning to show a symptom of planing with the cost and we drive home where the Kenduri was held.
Everybody ate and soon trays of food start being distributed to neighbors while we pack our things and getting ready to take the bus home that night.

Isn't culture a wonderful thing, it simply brings people together...and how about legacy. Have you thought about any? about your cemetery?would you like blue or green tiles?

i thought about my own legacy...a bigger part of it is about inspiring and enriching others...but i haven't thought about the colors of my cemetery tiles :)

it doesn't matter how you would want your legacy to be...but its gotta be good. After all we do not inherited this earth from our elders we simply borrow this earth...from our children.

well, have fun planing and scheming your legacy!Have a great life and teach your children to pray for you as they will add their own good values while doing it. :)

Monday, July 19, 2010

quick info on Cervical Cancer

Ladies...and husbands, these are valuable info for yourself and loved ones. Prevention is better than cure.

HPV infection

Human papilloma virus or HPV is the major cause of cervical cancer. There are many different types of HPV. It is sometimes called the genital wart virus as some types of HPV cause genital warts. In fact, the types that cause warts are not the types that cause cervical cancer. But there are other types of HPV that are considered 'high risk' for cancer of the cervix. HPV is passed on from person to another through sexual contact.
Women who get cervical cancer have had past infections with HPV. High risk types of HPV can cause changes in the cells covering the cervix that make them more likely to become cancerous in time. But most women infected with these viruses do NOT develop cervical cancer. So other factors must also be needed.

Other risks

Women who smoke are more likely to get cervical cancer than those who do not. Taking the pill could increase a woman’s risk of cervical cancer. It is not clear why this is. Women with a weakened immune system are also more likely to get cervical cancer, as are those who have had a large number of children.

 Every year in Malaysia, 1,493 women become part of the statistics with 766 succumbing to the disease. 

You can get screening tests that can find early signs of cervical cancer before you ever get sick.  That way, problems can be found and removed before they ever become cancer. The Pap test and HPV test are cervical cancer screening tests.

So….do the pap smear at least once a year!In Malaysia you can go to any government-fund clinic (Hospital Ibu dan anak) and its for FREE!

Also here’s the link for chemical food that considered carcinogen :

God Bless all and let us live a healthy life!

liberate my madness

I was so ready for liberty..i kept talking about that…when I go to the the shopping complex..passing exclusive restaurants, passing children’s outfit boutique…in my kitchen…while hanging laundry…I even thought about it while doing my business in the toilet.
Well to me it brings various meaning…from being financially free to a time for myself being alone away from Ayman’s scream and Tara’s tearful cries…also from my nagging husband(about his car of course)…
Sad but true…liberty is TOO expensive for me…now it sounds like liberty is equals to my personal happiness. I understand that you CAN ‘buy’ happiness, you just have to pay for it with a particular currency called Quality time (I use to regard it simply as time…but as I observe how things turn around these days…including my experience seeing my husband’s ‘pondering’ expression while im talking to him and turns out that he Does Not remember a single word I said!..Interesting!and that what motivates me to improvise the term as ‘Quality’ Time)
I’ve been screaming these sentiments in my head for the past one week…you may relate that to my previous blog about…how hard life is. Thank God I am not suicidal haha..i doubt I’d be able to success doing it somehow…I have too much emotion and worries till im afraid to die…haha!who will fix my broken kitchen floor…who will feed my kids?...i  just have a lot to worry about and death is not a solution!
I probably choked on the pills and regret trying to swallow it anyway..or how about jumping off a building…well I probably get sued by police and fire department for bringing up a ruckus for them to blow the siren and fix me…and I probably stumble over the floor and lose my strength to jump off the 5th floor….
Or if i even try to stop breathing, bite my tongue or whatever…my kids probably screaming at the top of their lung to call out on me till I can’t stand the volume and get up and fix their dinner….why of course while nagging…and smashing things around…
I guess if I try to kill myself my husband probably asks…”what’s wrong with you?”…well my husband…some days he live with me with his mind and conscience but most of the time..his body is around but his mind is swimming up there in cloud 9…he probably didn’t notice how depress I was…at times.
So how do I fix myself in relate to my Liberty…I mean why do I need Liberty anyway?...well the fact that it makes us feels good enjoying the reaps of your own labor and brings out the very  true meaning of freedom. Somehow, this issue may not relate to this stage of life that im currently in.
My kids are still in growing stage when tantrum is such a normal thing and my career is still considered to be in the medium stage.
Liberty is madness during difficult times but with faith and belief in the old say “delayed gratification” one will not lose their head over a temporary affliction.
Perhaps coveting for a liberty is not the right action at the moment…right now the kind of help I need is simply a diversion from this idea….oh well then, I may need to switch to that NEW pocket taco combo from KFC…or maybe over the newest scarf trend in town!

It looks like…L.i.b.e.r.t.y has to wait ….T_T

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Life is Hard...sometimes you just can't handle them

you may be thinking, ok what have i done to deserve these kind of punishment, challenge, disaster, adversity well you name it and the list goes infinite.

But little that we realized that life is always a gift without a wrap and a ribbon, there is always something for everyone and the difficulties that you are facing now is in time turn out to be the best thing that ever happen to you because it lead you to something even better. Just like the old saying " when another door closed , another door opens" or how about this one " adversity is a blessing in disguise"

You may have read in entertainment articles, biographies about famous celebrities or mentors that almost give when actually they were so close to their life achievement, you may also have read about other genius and intellects that lose it and eventually commit suicide or died because of disease before they receive their recognition and soon after their death, public will start to noticed about their talents.

those who have hold on through their darkest adversity and live to tell are people such as Eminem the rapper, Shaun Stenning millionaire in early 20's and a lot more.

And so folks...just maybe that the most terrible time of your life might be an entrance to your biggest opportunity in life. To look again of what you really want in life. To reflect your being and your real desire. To find who you really are and to discover where your true talent is.

Life may be hard but blessed with choices, justice and faith :)
I believe that after reading these articles you will start to realize that life isn't as bad as you think. It is more like a jungle or forest that hidden with berries, edible animals, beautiful waterfall and even a place of remedies for wounds that you get from cutting through spiky plants, falling over a hill or even bitten by wild animals.

Its all Life.
So live, live and discover that all the BEST is there for you.
Even at times you fall and hit your head, lose your conscience and wits but, in life you also find cure for your bruises and exotic cascade to sooth your wounded soul and shape it back in place.

Yea...sometimes you can't handle Life....but remember this folks...Life Can Handle You... if You Don't...oh they handle you so well...its either it throws you into pit or put you on top of the world, its your call...You Lead.

Let me close the article with this quote :

If you're in a bad situation, don't worry it'll change. If you're in a good situation, don't worry it'll change. ~John A. Simone, Sr.

Cheers All!
sometimes you just can't handle life, BUT! most of the time...You Can!!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

2010 onwards...

didn't i told you about the broadband..the wishes i got this year, well so far three of them is on the way, one has been canceled and so i pretty much cover it all.
things probably don't always happen the way you want it but, you can always count on this saying 'Ask. and you shall be given"
who cares if it does'n t happen at the exact expected time. You'll get there somehow, and who cares if its perfect...well no one but you.
So all i gotta say is cannot impress anybody dude...but yourself.
No one's gonna please you.
No one's gonna make it perfect for you, but you.

so when i ask for black and i get brown. Im just gonna have to take it. Its life. I doesn't always happen the way you want it.
surely something will fall from the sky or emerge from the ground and stand in your way. While your victory is on the other may start be thinking..."you know the grass is greener on the other side see..."
folks do not fail to see one miracle out of such adversity that is ; every disadvantages is a blessing in disguise

well, maybe that Digi broadband is not as good as Celcom and its yellow instead of blue...but heck! its working and not just its better than nothing.
It is making the BEST out of everything!

Well...i have 3 projects on the way and 1 has been canceled, But it has been replaced by another thing. Its Larger, its Bigger, Its Harder, Its Better.
not a well-paid mundane job as i wished before but this time its going to be something that i would consider a life achievement. It will reward my loved ones, it will make my whining cease and surely it will make me a complete person.

Im gonna throw myself into a rabbit hole and comes out with a 'risk-full' ambition and i will do all the crazy ideas, do all the meticulous effort happy doing it!

I picture myself in my pyjama and glasses and hot nescafe(or cold...)with 1 big bottle of water and in my air-condition room. Every once a week i will go down to my happy lane at HSBC normal route and cash in my money. Then, im gonna buy that Acer dekstop that my current company just bought and exactly the same inventories...the monitor,that fancy keyboard with volume control, then that flat and 'wide-angle' monitor and that tiny CPU. Exactly the same.
Then, i will travel on annual basis to Danum Valley occasionally to Kinabalu Park, Poring and Tambunan and Kiulu and all those places where trees grow green and birds whistle a song.
Then, i will be too busy even to shop. I will have maid coming 3 times a week to clean my house and my in law may visit my kids on day trip.
We will reward ourselves with good restaurant and fancy hobbies, i will become an amateur photographer and i will have more money to buy lenses!.
Of course i will be my complete character. I have time, space and liberty for 5 times a day routine. I can go to  Quran classes i even have time to join the lecture at MUIS every once a week.
Most importantly sooner or later i will move into a new house with a garden. I will have a cabin at Kundasang and grow my own broccoli.

Its because, there is no age limit for the path that i have choose. There is no barrier of senility and absolutely im going to have enough money for retirement.
I will be old and small...but my oh i Happy!

So...wish me well and trust in me.
Everything is possible, with the right mind, the right tool and the right attitude!