Monday, July 19, 2010

liberate my madness

I was so ready for liberty..i kept talking about that…when I go to the the shopping complex..passing exclusive restaurants, passing children’s outfit boutique…in my kitchen…while hanging laundry…I even thought about it while doing my business in the toilet.
Well to me it brings various meaning…from being financially free to a time for myself being alone away from Ayman’s scream and Tara’s tearful cries…also from my nagging husband(about his car of course)…
Sad but true…liberty is TOO expensive for me…now it sounds like liberty is equals to my personal happiness. I understand that you CAN ‘buy’ happiness, you just have to pay for it with a particular currency called Quality time (I use to regard it simply as time…but as I observe how things turn around these days…including my experience seeing my husband’s ‘pondering’ expression while im talking to him and turns out that he Does Not remember a single word I said!..Interesting!and that what motivates me to improvise the term as ‘Quality’ Time)
I’ve been screaming these sentiments in my head for the past one week…you may relate that to my previous blog about…how hard life is. Thank God I am not suicidal haha..i doubt I’d be able to success doing it somehow…I have too much emotion and worries till im afraid to die…haha!who will fix my broken kitchen floor…who will feed my kids?...i  just have a lot to worry about and death is not a solution!
I probably choked on the pills and regret trying to swallow it anyway..or how about jumping off a building…well I probably get sued by police and fire department for bringing up a ruckus for them to blow the siren and fix me…and I probably stumble over the floor and lose my strength to jump off the 5th floor….
Or if i even try to stop breathing, bite my tongue or whatever…my kids probably screaming at the top of their lung to call out on me till I can’t stand the volume and get up and fix their dinner….why of course while nagging…and smashing things around…
I guess if I try to kill myself my husband probably asks…”what’s wrong with you?”…well my husband…some days he live with me with his mind and conscience but most of the time..his body is around but his mind is swimming up there in cloud 9…he probably didn’t notice how depress I was…at times.
So how do I fix myself in relate to my Liberty…I mean why do I need Liberty anyway?...well the fact that it makes us feels good enjoying the reaps of your own labor and brings out the very  true meaning of freedom. Somehow, this issue may not relate to this stage of life that im currently in.
My kids are still in growing stage when tantrum is such a normal thing and my career is still considered to be in the medium stage.
Liberty is madness during difficult times but with faith and belief in the old say “delayed gratification” one will not lose their head over a temporary affliction.
Perhaps coveting for a liberty is not the right action at the moment…right now the kind of help I need is simply a diversion from this idea….oh well then, I may need to switch to that NEW pocket taco combo from KFC…or maybe over the newest scarf trend in town!

It looks like…L.i.b.e.r.t.y has to wait ….T_T

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