Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Comparison of Chances.

Naturally as human beings we will compare ourselves to others.
What makes the other prettier than us,sometime luckier than us, some happier than us...etc.

Today my boss instruct me to be a minute taker for our sections presentation. At the beginning i was taking notes, later as the presentation turns to be more of a discussion my mind starts to wander. I was sitting facing my higher level colleagues. As i sit there i watch their character, their passion towards their work and also their skills.

Looking at one to the other, they're very much different, some were considered genius (to me), some skillful, some supportive, some shy, some grounded and some pleasing.

I started to wonder, why the other person seems smarter than the other, is it because they're richer so they could afford further studies oversea?
The other seem grounded but happily married with a child and live in a mansion(that's my perspective..i own it ok^_^)
Then i thought why not both went to oversea if they have equal chances of living in an above moderate family.

Then i thought about myself, here i am sitting there watching them and analyzing them...
Do they also analyze me?...i bet not.

Slowly low self-esteem crept in...

What if i have chances...might as well im sitting next to them.
But im not and that means i don't have a lot of chances in life.

I was born in almost poor family, with parents and 6 other siblings.
Me and my three sisters and a brother were the first badge. My parents took a long holiday of ten years to decide breeding again.
My younger brother and sister are the second badge.
Both badge are very different.
Both my younger brother and sister is now at the university.
While the 5 of us only reach high school.

I remembered when i finished my SPM i was offered to continue to form 6 at one of the best school in my hometown. I had good result i guess...
So i beg my father but his answer "you're rebellious.you're a women and you always end up in the kitchen"
...i guess that explain why i hated cooking.

Since i could not persuade my dad, i switch tactics. I cry and beg my mom to beg my dad. (manipulative?...no its just diligence)
So my mom did, but later comes the answer "you see, not that your dad does not want to send you to school but you have to understand you have a younger brother and sister and your dad is approaching his pension limit...so he have to fix his financial to afford your younger siblings"

I hated my father for years.
But not hate him enough to ignore him...thank God.

I guess....chances is not always up to us, sometimes its just the way God has crafted our destiny.
Maybe im not meant to be a genius or a rich wife.
I guess...my great destinies lies somewhere.

I did not give up on my dad.
If i did...i probably went in and out of jail and with tattoo all over my body, end up in a ditch somewhere.

I guess respecting our parents has its benefit.
I have a good life now.

Not luxuries but simple and i could say joyous.

Although my dad is not an inspiration to me but truly he is my guide a.k.a Conscience in life.
Does not mean if you're academic-less you cannot achieve satisfaction in life.

Sometimes its really what you want to become in life.
I forgive my dad for letting go of my chances.
Because...i found out...later during these years....I Always Hated Studying anyway!haha...

I wanted to learn to play drums but i would die psychotically completing a paper.

Maybe God has already know what we wanted in life before we were even born...('maybe'? )

So i guess my colleague is so good at what they're doing because God knows that it is what they really want in life.

Honestly i don't know what im good at apart from screaming at my kids, justifying myself, making plans and..... surfing the net?(seriously i can't think of any!)

But i believe God knows it all...if i have 60 years in this life i only came to half of it.
So we never know what happens to the other half yet.

Comparing with other is an endless game.
Its not so wrong, it can be depressing but...sometimes its a functional.

Because it could tell us 

  • where we stand
  • why are we here
  • who we are
  • who/what matter most
  • how fortunate we are
  • where we're going next.

I am now 30 years old, matured enough to play the comparison game ('my dad has big house ; my dad has bigger house ; yeah but my dad has 2 cars ; but my dad has Monster truck')...im also smart enough to search my own chances rather than blaming or living in history of........missing chances.

Picture credit (as you have noticed : The internet ^_^)

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